hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
