I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
