so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
