Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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