I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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