It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
