I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
