I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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