Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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