Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
