I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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