Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
