I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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