Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
