So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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