I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
