this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
