Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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