i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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