i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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