HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
