I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
