Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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