This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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