I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
