I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
