halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
