I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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