I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
