Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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