you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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