He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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