He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
