You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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