He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
