The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
