I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So apparently I’m into choking now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize