I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You dont lie about slip and slides
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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