my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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