it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives