Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!