if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I would fuck him just for his dog
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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