I could make wine with my vomit
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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