May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
