my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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