I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is it penis luge time yet?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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