he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
God, you're like boner-b-gone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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