She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
