Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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