I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
