I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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