between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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