So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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