3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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