You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
