Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
