if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
