So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
