She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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