i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
