Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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