all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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